i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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