there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
