When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
no. you can't hotbox the world.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
