These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
