What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
