after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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