So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
