If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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