I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
