What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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