YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
