Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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