She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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