He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
