Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize