my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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