I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
