Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
