My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
