first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
