some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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