Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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