So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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