Pappa wants mamma naked
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
