Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize