I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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