She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
