Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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