how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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