Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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