I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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