you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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