If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
