R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Two words: nipple clamps
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