Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
