Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
