I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so that wasnt chicken after all
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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