Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
