You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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