I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
