You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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