My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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