I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
