not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
