I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize