Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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