The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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