I feel like abortions should bother me more
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
