As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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