Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
