who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
