you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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