Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
