my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
