and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize