Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
