the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Oh god it's open bar.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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