i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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