my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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