Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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