"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
