Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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