I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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