I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
