doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Couch. On fire.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
