if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is Oprah even human
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
