Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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