ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
