I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
